Noctis & Friends Cause Chaos
by TheLegendOfSwords
Summary: The tales of how Noctis and his douchebag friends wreaked havoc during the events of Final Fantasy XV. Totally canon I'm sure.
1. Chapter 1: Talcott Gets Spanked

**Noctis & Friends Cause Chaos**

 **Chapter 1: Talcott Gets Spanked**

Noctis was driving his dad's pimped out Regalia car up the road leading to Cape Caem. He skidded the car to a halt over the Amiticia's vegetable garden, making sure to run over Tony and reduce him to red meat chunks in the process. That would show the cheapskate for buying produce locally and standing there 24/7!

"Outstanding parking job, Noct," said Ignis in support of Noctis' bad driving habits. (He had no choice. Noctis was soon to be his tyrannical king.)

"Woohoo! Let's celebrate by eating something dead!" said Prompto, proceeding to cannibalize the dead man's corpse and to take pictures for the dark web.

Noctis and friends approached the front of the Amiticia's house.

Iris stood in front of the house. She was always either in front of the house or inside the house. It was as if she was an NPC lacking freewill. "Hey, boys. You come to tend to the vegetable garden?"

"You mean the vegetable garden that I just totally destroyed?" said Noctis, proud with himself.

"Oh, that was nice of you," said Iris, sarcastically, trying not to show any signs of anger.

"The real reason we are here is because we require a stay at your premises," said Ignis, sophisticatedly as he adjusted his glasses. "Because it would appear that, despite being royalty, our highness has expended all of his riches on overpriced potions, and now we can't afford a hotel anymore." He shot a glaring look at Noctis, who shrugged.

Iris lowered her head. "Oh, but you should have told me you were coming. I haven't even got the rooms ready."

"That's okay," said Gladiolus in his stereotypically manly voice. "You can work things out while we're here. It's not like you have anything better to do. Now move it, you little slut!" He pushed her out of the way and stepped inside, his heavy footsteps making the whole house tremble, debris shaking loose and falling everywhere, giving Iris more work to do.

Noctis shoved a moogle doll into Iris' face. "Fix this for me will you."

Iris turned the moogle upside down. "Why is there a hole on its bottom?"

Noctis shifted uncomfortably. "U-Uh . . . N-no particular reason." He ran inside before he had to explain himself.

Iris tried to sleep on the hard, cold floor downstairs while the boys occupied the rooms upstairs. The boys, however, didn't seem to ever fall asleep, and were blasting their girly mainstream pop music on full blast while playing the trendiest games, such as Fortnite, which they also played on full blast.

Iris woke up the next morning, groggy, and full of aches and pains. She found the guys sitting around the table, eating all of her food.

"Good morning, my pathetic excuse for a sister," said Gladiolus with his mouth full. "We decided to do you a favor by helping to clean out your fridge. Looks like you had too much food on your hands."

"You mean the food that was supposed to help me survive through the winter?" said Iris with her arms crossed.

"Glad we could help." Gladiolus was eating all of the protein related food to help him get more gains. He shoveled the food into his mouth with one hand while curling a missile sized dumbbell in the other hand.

Ignis was eating a casserole that he claimed was his own gourmet recipe, but it was actually a cheap microwave dinner. (Needless to say, Gordon Ramsay would be appalled.)

Noctis ate pizza, because he was a slob.

And Prompto ate an organ that looked suspiciously like a human heart.

"Where did you get that?" asked Noctis.

"Do you remember that Jared Hester guy?" asked Prompto, a sinister grin on his face.

Noctis scooted away from Prompto, disturbed at what his friend implied.

The young boy, Talcott, came skipping merrily into the house and stopped in front of the table, invading the grownups personal space. "Hey guys, guess what this is." He struck a pose with his arms and legs bent every which way.

"Oh, I know! It's a Fortnite dance!" said Prompto, unaware that Fortnite didn't actually invent all of its dance moves, and was actually, in fact, a really stupid game. (And yet Epic Games threw the amazing Unreal franchise under the bus. What a shame!)

Talcott shook his head. "Nope."

"A swastika," said Gladiolus, insensitively.

Talcott shook his head again.

"Is it, by chance, a yoga technique meant to represent one of the many deities of the Hindu pantheon," said Ignis.

"No, it's the cactaur dance!"

"Huh, thought it would be something stupid like that," said Noctis as he absentmindedly shoved more pizza into his face, almost gouging out an eye in the process.

Talcott eyed the cactuar figurines Noctis left on the table. "Cool, did you get those for me?"

Noctis rolled his eyes. "Yeah, of course I spent all my hard earned money on these figurines just for a snotty brat like you. Sure, take them. You can shove them up your ass for all I care."

"Cool! Thanks Noct!" Talcott greedily snatched the figurines from the table, knocking over an assortment of food and precious china as he did so, which went crashing to the floor with a deafening shatter. He then stormed out of the house, inciting the chant of: "Cactuar, cactuar, cactuar, cactuar!" all the meanwhile.

Gladiolus cracked his knuckles. "What a little twerp. I used to beat the snot out of kids like that when I was in school. If only there was some way we could make his life miserable. . . ."

"Hey guys, look over here," said Prompto, gesturing for them to come over to a locker. "What do you reckon's inside?"

"Probably, you know. . . ." Noctis trailed off.

"Oh."

Gladiolus grabbed the lock and snapped it off with a single tug. "Too easy."

Inside the locker there was a cactuar plushie the size of a body pillow, and a box full of photographs. Noctis pulled out the box and shuffled through several pictures of scenic landscapes. "Not bad. He's almost as good of a photographer as you, Prompto."

"That's too bad, cause there's only room for one photographer in this town," said Prompto, forebodingly, his hand positioned over the pistol on his belt.

Noctis started to notice a consistent trend of photos involving cactuars as the subject matter. "Go figure. The kid is into cactuars."

"Almost too much, I dare say," said Ignis.

Noctis noticed that several of the photos were taken of a cactuar's backside, and that it had buttocks not unlike that of a human. "Strange. I never knew that cactuars had butts."

"They're so cute," said Prompto. Everyone else shot him a glaring look, and then he corrected himself. "I mean, it would be cute if you were a disgusting degenerate!" He spat on the picture several times.

Ignis snapped his finger. "That's it!"

"What is it? Another recipe?" asked Noctis, feeling hungry again, even though he just ate a whole year's worth of food.

"Even better! We shall blow this out of proportion!" Ignis singled out all of the photos containing a cactuar's backside, used one of his daggers to poke a hole in the back of the cactuar plushie, and brought them to Iris.

Iris pulled her head out the empty fridge, giving up her chance of finding any breakfast for herself, and looked past them to the locker. "Wait, why were you looking through Talcott's secret locker?"

"That doesn't matter right now. What matters is what we found inside the locker." Ignis presented the items to her, making sure to act all somber while doing so. "Lady, I'm sorry to inform you that Talcott has been involved in unspeakable acts."

Iris covered her mouth. "Oh gods, no! But he's so young and innocent!"

"I know. It is a shame that a child should be exposed to such filth at such a young age. I have no doubt that it will cost hundreds, no, thousands of dollars worth of therapy to set him straight."

"Or you could go the cheap route and pray the gay away," said Prompto, almost as if he had some experience on the matter.

Iris slumped down to her knees as tears cascaded down her pathetic face. "No, this is my fault. I should've kept a closer eye on him. I should've watched him with the strictness of a communist police."

"Now, now, don't fret." Ignis patted her on the shoulder unconvincingly. "There may still be a chance to correct this. Perhaps starting with some form of physical discipline."

"Yeah, like a spanking!" said Prompto with glee, which wasn't really helping them to keep up their somber act.

"Is that even legal anymore?" asked Iris, wiping tears from her eyes.

Noctis shrugged. "Hey, I won't tell if you won't tell."

Talcott came skipping back inside. What inconvenient timing on his part.

Iris' face contorted with the rage of a thousand suns. "TALCOTT! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!" She showed the items to Talcott.

Talcott was taken aback. "W-why? W-what did I do wrong?"

"DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME! YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'VE DONE WRONG YOU LITTLE SEXUAL DEVIANT!"

Talcott fought back tears, his whole body trembling before Iris' feminine fury. "No I don't! I was just taking pictures!"

"OH RIGHT! AND ALL OF THEM JUST SO HAPPENED TO HAVE BUTTS IN THEM! I'M GOING TO PAINT YOUR BACK PORCH RED FOR THIS!"

"You're not my mom! You can't tell me what to do!"

"YOU WILL DO EXACTLY AS I SAY! I SHALL NOT BE MOCKED!" Iris went upstairs to retrieve a suitable spanking stick.

Noctis, Gladiolus, Ignis, and Prompto tried their best to hold back their grins.

Talcott stared up at the four, a look of disbelief on his face. "You . . . you guys set this up, didn't you?"

"Took you long enough to figure that out, Shorty," said Noctis.

"I thought you were my friends! I trusted you!"

"Where did you get that line? The Big Book of Clichés?" asked Gladiolus, mockingly.

Iris peered out from the upstairs room. "TALCOTT! GET YOUR ASS UPSTAIRS! NOW!"

Talcott glared at the four with tears streaming down his face. "I hate you! I HATE you!"

Prompto gave Talcott the finger. "We love you, too."

Talcott reluctantly ascended the stairs and entered the room. The sound of a stick smacking bare flesh and the wailing of Talcott followed soon after.

Noctis and friends ran outside back to their car, laughing hysterically all the meanwhile.

"Oh man, Iggy, that was genius!" said Gladiolus. "You had that kid blubbering like a little pussy!"

"A fine recipe for disaster, if I do say so myself," said Ignis.

"Talcott, huh? More like Talc**t, am I right?" said Prompto.

Noctis reeled back in surprise. "Whoa, Prompto, I didn't know you swore like that!"

"Oh, trust me, Noct, there's a lot of things you don't know about me," said Prompto, forebodingly, as he reached over to seductively lick the inside of Noctis' ear.

Talcott stood in front of the window of the room as Iris continued to repeatedly smack his ass with the paddle of an oar, gritting his teeth as he took it like the dirty little masochist that he was. He watched Noctis' gang drive away in their fancy capitalist car of white privilege. Little did they know that Talcott would one day exact his revenge upon them.

And they would be the ones crying next time.

TO BE CONTINUED (OBVIOUSLY)


	2. Chapter 2: Battle of the Sexes

**Noctis & Friends Cause Chaos**

 **Chapter 2: Battle of the Sexes**

Noctis and friends reluctantly followed Iris as she gave them a boring tour of Lestalum, even though they had already visited Lestalum, like, a bajillion times.

"And this here is the power plant," said Iris with much exposition in her demeanor, gesturing towards the obvious power plant across the bridge. "It is run completely by woman, because women are awesome. In fact, woman do all the hard work around here. After all, if we can give birth, we can do anything. Women are awesome. Did I mention that women are awesome?"

"Sure, sure," said an unconvinced and unenthusiastic Noctis, "and that's exactly why you've needed the help of us men to defeat those demons in there."

Iris placed her hands on her hips. "It's not like we women can't defeat those demons ourselves. We just prefer not to do it ourselves because we have harder, more important tasks that need our attendance."

Noctis feigned a nod. "Uh huh, sure."

After they had ditched Iris some time later, they came across a skinny man standing behind a food stand. The man came out from behind his stand and approached them, fidgeting all the meanwhile. "Are you the prince who is to succeed King Regis?"

Noctis shifted uncomfortably. "Uh, yes. Why do you ask?"

The man shook Noctis by the shoulders. "You've got to help me! These women are getting progressive at a dangerous rate! They screw me with a strap on, even though I'm not a masochist! I've got hemorrhoids the size of bowling balls!"

The chain attached to one of his legs began pulling him away. "NO! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYS!" He was pulled into a castration facility and the steel door slammed shut behind him. His cries of anguish echoed from inside and gallons of blood gushed out from under the door.

As it turned out, the facility had a conveyor belt that sent meat directly to the hot dog factory.

Ignis gaped at the half eaten hotdog he had almost put back in his mouth and then proceeded to dump it into a nearby trash bin. "I was starting to think that tasted awfully sour." He said this with a casual demeanor as though the revelation was a minor inconvenience, even though quite the contrary applied.

Several devout feminists turned away from their altar of feminism and glared at Noctis and his friends.

"Oh great. Looks like we've got ourselves some privileged white males to deal with," said one of the feminists, sneering all the meanwhile.

"Well last I recall everyone here is predominantly white and privileged," said Noctis. "I mean, this is a Final Fantasy world, after all. Lack of representation is sort of our specialty."

"The point still remains that you're still male oppressors!"

"Oh right, and you're clearly oppressed."

"Well of course we are!" said a snobby woman with a diamond ring the size of her head. "It happens all the time in A Game of Thrones, and that's a very accurate representation of ancient history!" (Not it wasn't.)

"But that's ancient history. It doesn't account for modern times."

"Yes, but we figured that, if you males oppressed us for a finite amount of time, it would only be fair to oppress you for an infinite amount of time, starting with the wrecking of your car."

Noctis turned towards the side of the road where he had parked the Regalia and, to his horror, found that it was covered with feminist graffiti. Also, a hobo was making love to its tailpipe, ensuring that the Regalia would give birth to baby cars that would be a burden of responsibility for Noctis. (Wait, is that how cars are made?)

Noctis ran his hands through his perfect hair. "No! That's my dad's car! His ghost is going to stab me with a sword for this!"

"Don't worry, Noct! I'll get revenge for you, my love!" Prompto made a bazooka magically appear out of thin air and fired a missile at the altar, blowing it into smithereens.

"How dare you blow up our false god!" said a feminist. "You will die for this, you degenerate males!"

An army of feminists and their male thralls came at them with kitchen utensils that had once served to enslave them to a kitchen, but which now were repurposed as weapons of war.

Metallica started playing St. Anger while using a set of trash cans instead of drums.

Prompto used his phone to send a slew of sexist posts across social media.

Several phone addicted Tumblrites read these texts and got so triggered that they entered a rocket and blasted the hell off into safe space, which was like space, only safer.

Donald Trump just so happened to be touring Lestalum because he was privileged enough to do so. He pointed at a group of feminists huddled in an alleyway. "I'm going to build a wall, and you're going to pay for it!" He quickly placed low poly Minecraft blocks and built a wall, blocking them off from the outside world, though it turned out that this is exactly what the feminists wanted, for now they had a safe space cut off from the outside world.

"That's some mighty fine craftsmanship," said Noctis, admiring the wall.

"I like you, kid. Here, have a small loan of one million dollars." Trump handed him a bag full of golden doubloons.

Noctis grabbed a handful of the doubloons and performed GilToss by throwing them at a crowd of feminists with such force that they were dashed into pieces. "Who says you can't solve problems by throwing money at it?" He dabbed eastward towards Mecca.

"I'm sure you will make Lucis great again!" Thanos snapped his fingers and Trump dematerialized into a puff of Cheeto dust, much to the relief of illegal immigrants everywhere.

A group of muscular women approached Gladiolus.

"There's no way you will be able to beat all of us," one of them said.

Gladiolus scoffed. "Please, I could beat you all without even making physical contact."

"Oh really?"

"Damn right I can." Gladiolus sat down on a bench that was conveniently within his vicinity and made sure to manspread as wide as possible.

The feminists were so triggered by this that they fainted and fell over, knocking each other over like stacks of dominoes and making Gladiolus win Guinness World Record for most dominoes toppled. Their toppling picked up momentum further back in the crowd, so much so, in fact, that feminists started to be dashed into meat chunks, which Ignis cooked up into burgers and served to unsuspecting customers.

"Too easy," said Gladiolus, confidently. He then attempted to stand up, but found that someone had handcuffed his arms and legs to the bench when he wasn't looking. "What form of witchcraft is this? Show yourself, vile sorceress!"

A feminist came up to him and repeatedly punched him in the groin with the speed and strength of jackhammers, treating his nuts like a mere punching bag. At the same time, Dolores Umbridge performed the Cruciatus Curse on his balls. "This is only a millionth of a fraction of the pain we experience during childbirth!"

Gladiolus let out a manly roar. "Truly you are gods amongst men!"

A woman began chanting. "I identify as an attack helicopter." She said this and, because she believed it, she transmogrified into a black military helicopter complete with missile launchers. "DIE, CIS SCUM!" She fired several missiles at Noctis.

Noctis' warping abilities allowed him to dodge these missiles with ease, and the missiles missed their intended target and instead blew up random civilians and a school bus full of innocent children. Before the last missile could make contact, Noctis gripped a lamp post and used it to spin himself around and kick the missile, deflecting it back at the helicopter.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—!" cried the helicopter as it hurtled towards the ground and exploded into a massive mushroom cloud shaped like a middle finger.

Thor came soaring down from the sky, wielding his new hammer, Thotslayer. (He lost Stormbreaker to a bet with Beta Ray Bill.) "BEGONE, VILE THOTS!" He raised Thotslayer skyward and sent lightning down from Viking heaven, electrocuting a throng of angry feminists and, incidentally, a pool full of innocent children.

Thor's hammer dropped from his hand and he realized what he had done to make himself unworthy of wielding it. "I have forgotten the face of my father!" He took refuge to the City of Refuge to find protection from the avenger of blood, and he would stay there until he stood trial before the assembly and until the death of the high priest who was serving at that time.

Neo Cortex came passing by and stumbled upon the hammer. "I know there's no way I could be worthy, though I don't suppose it would hurt to try." He lifted the hammer with ease and a sinister grin stretched across his face. "Yes! Yes, I am worthy!" He held the hammer skyward and sent lightning down, accidentally electrocuting himself and producing a scream reminiscent of a male opera singer.

Buzzsaw Billy the Amish man came out of the farmers market and joined the fray. "Put on some modest clothing, you damn whores!" He took off his satanic straw hat and threw it like a Frisbee towards a cluster of feminists, its bladed rim coming into contact with their necks and severing their heads clean from their shoulders, blood spurting from their severed necks like lava from a volcano.

Spyro the Dragon came gliding down from the Toys for Bob headquarters while Flight of the Sapphire Dragon by Twilight Force played in the background in all of its cheesy, magnificent glory. He landed on a tank and turned its cannon without even having to touch an interface. He just sat there on the top and the tank operated by itself, almost as if through psychic powers. "Bob called! He said he wants his toys back!"

He fired the cannon and blew up a toy store full of innocent children. No idea what this had to do with the primary conflict, but it happened nonetheless.

Ardyn Izunia came striding up the road, wearing his baggy hobo clothes and an edgelord fedora that would ensure that he would never get laid in his entire life. "Come on now, people, there is no need for such petty quarreling!"

Everyone ceased their fighting and became silent, listening intently to what he had to say.

"I have got a suggestion for a new way of life that is guaranteed to work for everyone. It's called 'gender equality'. It involves setting aside our differences and working together for the greater good. What do you say?"

Everyone said: "No!" At once, and then resumed their barbaric fighting.

Ardyn threw up his hands in dismay. "Fine! But don't you be surprised if I become a bad guy by the next time you see me!" He sat down on a bench and began reading a copy of _How To Start A World of Ruin for The Villainously Inadequate_ by Kefka Pallazo.


	3. Chapter 3: Battle of the Ages

**Noctis & Friends Cause Chaos**

 **Chapter 3: Battle of the Ages**

Noctis drove his Regalia car into the parking lot of the Hammerhead station in Leide. He needed the feminist graffiti removed from his car, or else people would start to suspect him of being a radical feminist.

Cindy just finished up doing maintenance on the Thanos Car. "There you go. The suspension has been perfectly balanced."

Thanos grinned. "As all things should be." He handed her half of a check and then drove off into the sunset with The Avengers theme blaring from his speakers. There was little to no traffic in his way, which made sense considering that he had wiped out half of all life in the universe. (Yeah, it wasn't as much about the ecosystem. He just needed more space for his car. Totally not a selfish motive in any way whatsoever.)

Noctis parked his car and he and his friends stepped out.

Cindy stared at the Regalia. "I didn't know y'all were feminists."

"No, that's just graffiti. What makes you think we would become feminists?"

"Well you do always seem to be blindly followin' the latest and greatest trends as if your popularity and self-esteem depends on it."

"I have no idea what you are talking about," said Prompto, who was now wearing a _I Love Feminism_ T-shirt while smoking weed, playing with fidget spinners, and listening to pop music like the dank hipster that he was.

"Well I'm sure we'll cave in to societal pressure eventually, but for now I don't really feel like it," said Noctis.

Gladiolus bowed before Cindy. "Whatever thou doth, please, spare us from thy wrath, mine ball busting goddess!"

Noctis shook him by his shoulders. "Come on now, Gladio, that's not going to be necessary. Sorry, Cindy, he's still a bit shook up from having his balls punched into a paste."

"That's alright," said Cindy.

"So how much do you suppose it's going to cost to get this graffiti removed?"

"A paint job should fix it up, so I say it's going to be free."

Cid jumped up from his chair. "Free?! You're givin' people a service for free?!"

"There a problem with that?"

"You can't be workin' for free! You're already practically married to your job as is!"

"I just thought I'd make it easy for 'em, considerin' that Noctis is royalty and all."

"That's backwards thinkin', girl! If he's royalty then he should be able to pay twice as much!"

Noctis scratched the back of his head. "Now you see, that's the problem. I don't really have much money right now."

"Whaddya mean, you don't have much money?"

"Well I've kind of been spending it on expensive potions and stuff, cause we've getting into a lot of fights and stuff."

"And how have you been makin' money?"

"By fighting monsters and stuff, which is kinda funny, because when we fight monsters we need potions, and then we spend the money we just earned on potions. Its kinda like a never ending cycle."

"Then it ain't a steady source of income!"

"Yeah, yeah, I know, but it won't be that way forever. I'm going to Altissia to get married, and then I will become the king and have access to the royal vaults. We're just waiting for the Royal Vessel to arrive, which should be coming any day now."

"Well here's a newsflash for you, boi! It's been a year since you came to me and my daughter begging for a loan! Well I've had it! If you can't spend money wisely now, then there's no way in heck you're going to maintain the riches of royalty!"

Noctis shot Cid a dirty look. "Are you suggesting that I don't know how to manage money?"

"I'm sayin' that I'm older and wiser than you! That's just a nice way of sayin' that I'm better than you in every way!

Noctis made his engine blade magically appear out of thin air. "Then let's see how well you do in a fight, you old grease jockey!"

"Y'all will be cryin' on your way back to your mommies basements when I'm done with you!" Cid pulled out a spear from thin air, swung it around, and performed several back flips, which was impressive for a man his age who supposedly had major back problems. "Have at you!"

Noctis and Cid's weapons clashed against each other in a shower of sparks.

Cindy stomped a foot. "I can't believe how violent you guys are! Y'all need Jesus!" She stormed back into her garage, shaking her thicc ass all the meanwhile to remind the boys of what they would be missing out on.

Cid leapt up to the roof of the garage like some kind of friggin' anime edgelord. "Y'all lack responsibility! It's time to get a job!" He chucked a Get-A-Job Grenade at Gladiolus.

The grenade exploded and engulfed Gladiolus in a cloud of smoke. Once the smoke faded, he reappeared wearing a black business suit that barely fitted on his muscular frame. "My glorious muscles barely have enough room to breathe. Get me out of this clothing prison!"

"You're an accountant! You better hope you're good at solving math problems! It takes real _responsibility_!"

Investors crowded Gladiolus from all angles and badgered him with extensive financial questions. This stressed him out, because he wasn't used to mental gymnastics. He had spent all of his school years acquiring gains and flirting with girls instead of a getting a real education.

Gladiolous produced the loudest war cry possible, sending the investors flying backwards into the air and ragdolling violently against the pavement, and then he ripped off the business suit as easily as wallpaper, his regular clothes reappearing from beneath. "I refuse to conform to these standards! I will not be your Illuminati meat puppet!"

Cid chucked a Get-A-Job Grenade at Ignis.

Ignis now wore a garbage man uniform. "A garbage man? How uncivilized!" He ripped the uniform off as easily as wallpaper.

Cid chucked a Get-A-Job Grenade at Prompto.

Prompto now wore nothing but a red speedo. "Woohoo! I'm a male prostitute!"

"No you ain't!" said Cid. "You're a lifeguard! That means it's your _responsibility_ to make sure people don't drown, or else you're gettin' your ass sued!"

"I can't do that! It's too much responsibility!" Prompto ripped off his speedo and, in the blink of an eye, his regular clothes reappeared, so we don't get so see his puny dick. (Thank God!)

Cid chucked a Get-A-Job Grenade at Noctis.

Noctis now wore his kingly raiment. "Well joke's on you, Cid! I'm going to be the king anyways!"

"Sure, but can you handle the _responsibility_?"

Now that Noctis thought about it, being a king would mean that he would have to be married to a girl who he barely had any chemistry with, and he would be preoccupied with kingly duties.

"Well maybe someday I'll be king, but for now I will continue to piss away people's time and resources with my friends!" Noctis ripped off his kingly raiment, which he instantly regretted, since it was worth a lot of money.

Out of seemingly nowhere, Cid pulled out a bazooka called The Baby Boomer. "Y'all could use some babies!"

"But we don't even have jobs yet!" said Noctis. "We won't be able to afford having them!"

"It doesn't matter! Babies are like the inquisition; they are torture and nobody expects them!" Cid aimed and fired zombie babies at Noctis and friends.

The slimy green zombie babies crawled all over the boys and chewed on their flesh.

"Get off of me, you failed abortion!" Gladiolus grabbed a zombie baby and smashed its head against a rock, but it was a zombie so it didn't count as child abuse.

Ignis picked up a zombie baby by the diaper with two fingers while plugging his nose with his other hand. "How unsanitary!" He dropped the baby in a flaming oil barrel devoted to Baal.

"Say your prayers!" Prompto kicked a zombie baby like a football and it went flying and wailing into the window of a passing gasoline truck, which then careened off road, tipped over, and made a nuclear explosion.

Noctis phased through the babies that were chewing on him and then phased up to the top of the garage and punched the old geezer in his bearded face, knocking him off the roof and sending him toppling to the pavement with a loud _crack_ that herniated all of his spinal discs. (Yes, _ALL OF THEM!_ )

"Ow, my aching back!" said Cid, and then he jumped back to his feet as though it were no big deal. "That ain't going to stop a hardworker like me! Don't know if I could say the same about you four! I bet you would want the day off if you even so much as stubbed your toe!"

"Oh crap, how does he know our weaknesses?" said Prompto, fearfully.

Cid spun his spear around. "If you ain't gonna be useful to anyone, then you may as well be headed straight to the glue factory!" He charged forward, but then he and everyone else stopped in their tracks, their attentions distracted by a man in baggy hobo clothes who exited the next-door restaurant and came striding their way.

It was Ardyn Izunia. He was still wearing his edgelord fedora. It was almost as if he was actively trying not to get laid. "How about instead of hating on one another and formulating stereotypes based on our age demographics, we set aside our differences and help build each other up to strengthen our relationships."

"Sounds pretty lame to me," said Gladiolus.

"I'm warning you, I'm going to make a mean Final Fantasy villain. I'm going to be in all the Top 10 Final Fantasy villain lists, and theory videos about 'How Ardyn was the true hero of Final Fantasy XV' and other such clickbait titles that will garner so much ad revenue."

"Best Final Fantasy villain? More like a second-rate Kefka!" said Noctis. "You'd be lucky to even star as a cameo in Dissida!"

Everyone resumed their barbaric fighting, because they didn't know how to resolve their problems in any other way. It was a perfect metaphor for the internet.

Ardyn pointed at them. "You're going to rue the day when I become a villain! Just you wait!" He sat down on a bench and continued reading Kefka's book. "I must say, this Kefka fellow is truly a remarkable character. I wonder what he looks like. . . ." He skimmed to the back of the book. It had a photograph of a flamboyant clown. "Bloody hell!"


	4. Chapter 4: People Eating Tasty Animals

**Chapter 4: People Eating Tasty Animals**

Professor Protege stood her distance as she admired a herd of Anaks from across a verdant field.

On a road intersecting the field, an expensive looking car with four young men pulled over onto the side of the road, skidding its jewel encrusted wheels in the mud before coming to a complete stop. Protege was slightly annoyed that these young people were so inclined to intrude upon her sightseeing, but she was willing to tolerate them so long as they weren't obnoxious enough to scatter the herd. To her horror, however, the men stepped out of their car and went running towards the Anaks with weapons in their hands.

Galdiolus poured a barrel of gasoline on an Anak calf, lit a match, and threw the match on it, lighting it on fire and making it mewl in agony. "You're on fire today!"

Prompto aimed his gun at an Anak. "Oh hi there, opening!" (Incidentally this was also what he said every time Noctis bended over to pick up a coin, but that's aside from the point.) Prompto shot the Anak's head into a bazillion chunks of meat, bones, and brains.

"HEADSHOT!" said the Unreal Tournament announcer.

Noctis swung his engine blade and sliced open an Anak's abdomen, splattering blood and intestines all over Ignis' face.

"That's it! I've come up with a new recipe!" said Ignis.

Protege watched all of this in horror, wailing like a hag from old fashioned times . "Stop it! Stop it, you meat eating monsters!"

Prompto pressed his pistol against her forehead and his face contorted into a sinister and foreboding expression. "For the record, I don't discriminate between species." He pulled the trigger.

There was a loud bang and a sharp pain in Protege's forehead. Everything went black, and then out of that blackness the words "YOU DIED" in red font appeared for a moment and then faded away. But what could this mean? She had never heard of an afterlife like this before.

A bonfire appeared and she found herself surrounded by those four hooligans sitting in Coleman's folding chairs.

"See, Noct, I told you she would respawn if we activated a bonfire," said Ignis.

"Can we eat her? I'm starving!" said Prompto, who still had a whole plate full of enormous Anak steaks that he hadn't finished eating yet.

"I don't see why not. We're out of ingredients, and I suppose it would be a good opportunity for me to come up with a new recipe."

"Looks like meat is back on the menu, bois!" said Gladiolus.

Noctis and friends ganged up on Protege and hacked her apart with their swords.

Everything went black. Once again the words "YOU DIED" appeared and faded, and then she found herself in front of a different bonfire surrounded by those four hooligans again.

Protege had a feeling this was going to get really old really fast.


	5. Chapter 5: Dumb Dreams

**Chapter 5: Dumb Dreams**

Noctis and his friends were sitting on Coleman's folding chairs in front of a bonfire. It was night-time and Noctis found it hard to stay awake. Eventually he succumbed to a deep sleep.

In his dream there was a castle upon a hill made of polygonal geometries of evanescent cascading light, and in this castle was the White Stoat King sitting upon his kingly throne made from the corpses of those who dared to defy him countless centuries ago on The Galactic Nexus of Gnowledgeable Gnostics.

His pet was Oryps, who was everybody's favorite sugoi dragon boi. Basically a dog with scales. He liked belly rubs and sugary food that gave him diabetes. This was the will of the sugar deity, Diabetus Detroitus, who intended for all to taste the wrath of his heavenly discordant vaporware discs, give or take a few feet.

In the next door dimension, a donut in the shape of a skull ate a light bulb and ceased to be enlightened for an eternity spanning the ever expanding cosmos of illogical reasoning. This was terrible, and thus he made up for this by stabbing pencils into the eyes of helpless orphans, who wailed and cried tears of vomit into the mouths of helpless pedestrians.

This caused a worldwide riot against all things vomit related, and the heat generated from all these angry people made global warming actually exist for once and melt the ice caps, running iced cappuccino companies out of business. Oh, and I suppose the flooding was pretty bad too, but most people turned a blind eye to this, including those affected by the flooding themselves.

The orcs of Orclandia were offended by humans lack of respect for the environment and thus challenged the mortals to a game of chess, which they lost severely, due to their lack of intelligent intellect. As part of the deal, they had to wear sandpaper thongs while performing ballerina dances in the middle of a hailstorm of exploding bullets.

There was soooooo much gore left after this, that maggots infested the land and evolved into the new apex predator. They commanded the humans to leave the surface world and live underground.

This caused humans to evolve into a race of mole people, who scratched their pathetic ways back to the surface world to eat the maggot people and reclaim their place as the apex predator.

The mole people gave praise to their evolution god in their church of the True Reformed Charles Darwin Elitist Society of the Early Day Saints of Endless Forms Most Beautiful, but then the dark dimension goddess, Hella Sophia Darkness Eve Von Struckenburg, confounded their synthetic DNA algorithms and they were split into innumerable genders, each subsequent gender more complex and nonsensical than the last, making it hard to accomplish even the most basic functions, such as procreation, or rocket guided asymmetric battery confounding laws of thermodynamic geocentricism.

The human race was almost wiped off of the face of the Earth as a result, but the Earth had forgotten to shave, and thus they remained for the time being.

Noctis woke up with a start. It was still night-time and the bonfire was still burning, so he couldn't have been sleeping for too long.

"Is something wrong, Noct?" asked Ignis while reading something on his cell phone.

"Oh, nothing. Just had a really stupid dream, that's all."

"You think that's bad? I'm reading a terrible fan fiction someone wrote about us called Noctis & Friends. I can't believe the audacity of this author. He makes us look like utter psychopaths. There's a complete disregard towards canonicity and lore, breakneck pacing, gratuitous cameos, political references and pop culture references that will be dated in a matter of years. It's so bad I feel like my phone has been infected with a virus."

Ignis threw his cellphone into the fire and it exploded like a grenade, lighting everyone on fire and making them suffer a slow and most excruciating death, but don't worry, if the continuity is as bad as Ignis says, everyone should be alive by the time the next chapter rolls around. Also, I guess phoenix downs are a thing, so that could explain it.


End file.
